They Would Never Know
by Sansele
Summary: Nuriko writes a letter the night before he goes to Mt. Black... a bit like a parellel to the Ashitare fic... please review.


Disclaimer: I own not Fushigi Yuugi.

They Would Never Know

Nuriko sat at his bedside table late that night. He had returned from the bar with Tamahome quite a few hours before, but he was unable to sleep. The feelings, the thoughts that had been running through his mind for the past weeks, and which had now been disclosed to Tamahome kept returning… he couldn't quite understand himself. He had believed that he had only loved Hotohori, the beautiful emperor that he could never come close to. He had been devoted… to Kourin, his beloved sister, whom he could never see again. Oh, he could look in the mirror, see the reflection of Kourin smiling at him again, but it wasn't real. 

Just fakeness, he thought bitterly, picking up his brush to comb his hair. Then he stopped. No, no more of that. His hair, cut short. Perhaps through Miaka he actually managed to stop pretending. Kourin wouldn't have liked that, definitely not. Would have hated to see her onii-chan trying to make her live through him. It wasn't right, come to think of it. But the insistence of his parents that Kourin was gone, vanished suddenly from the world, which all three of them had lived in. Rokou, Ryuuen & Kourin… Nuriko smiled suddenly. How was Rokou doing? Was he running the family business? Or was he running… away from it? Nuriko hoped sincerely that it was the former. His older brother had never been good about standing on his own two feet…

He stared in the mirror hanging before him. Chou Ryuuen as a child, Chou Kourin as an adolescent, and now Suzaku no Shichiseishi Nuriko. So many different identities, each lived truthfully. He had believed in each one. Yet the confusion set in; who was he? The shrill tone of Miaka reached his ears, from a memory once in the palace…

'You're Nuriko, my friend, someone who we can all trust in! How can we do without you?'

Interesting… she did make him think about himself more. Nuriko pondered, and took out a piece of paper. 'I might as well write it out, make my thoughts easier to understand…'

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Dear all,

It's Nuriko. We're so close to the first shinzaho, I should be rejoicing. Yet I feel a calmness, like I've just met myself for the first time in many years… as Chou Ryuuen, yes, don't look so shocked. That is my real name. I hid behind a façade for so very long, I suppose it's time that I really appeared, ne? 

All due to Miaka I suppose; without her, I would have never come out. Not only her; all of you were there for me, at different times, and different places. Seishi and miko bonds, none of us family, but yet as close as kin. I wish we had been together for a longer time… 

I wonder why I feel this way about Miaka. She started out as simply an idiot to be stamped on, before Hotohori-sama fell deeply in love with her. That was foolishness on my part; in the end, it turns out that both the people who I loved… were all not to be had. Miaka should be with Tamahome… I could never make up for him, even though he is a baka sometimes… Miaka, I truly love you. You always encouraged me; your simple believing made me change the way I thought. Tamahome, I need not repeat what I told you in the bar. Make her happy. Hotohori… if only for you, how I wish I could be a girl! I would not be in this painful situation, in that I cannot love you, because I am not a lady. But I do realize, and let go. You will have someone whom you can be happy with: someone whom you can be with. I can't. I would love to be that person, but it is not possible. I wish Miaka & Tamahome the very best in their lives, and Hotohori-sama… to find a person to love. He's so lonely. Being an emperor does rob him of some of the best things in life.

Next came Chichiri & Tasuki. I recall the first time we encountered you Chichiri: a weird face, a high-pitched voice, yet I knew that there had to be something else to you. We never meet anyone without good reason, and you were certainly no exception. You seemed to be so happy all the time; with the 'no da' s, and the mask. I'm fairly sure you didn't know, but when we were still at the palace, there was once, in the early morning, that I saw you sitting by the pool. You looked so serene, and so different. The mask really changes you, you know? I was surprised… probably because I thought you had nothing to hide. I had imagined you to be more carefree than the rest of us, yet able to understand and listen to us. I should have thought clearer: very few people can actually live life as it is. Life always comes and does something, often negative. To you, Chichiri, I hope that one day, you will be able to take the mask off, literally and mentally. It's hell trying to go through life alone: I tried, and still had to be helped in the end. 

Tasuki: My punching bag, my best friend among the seishi. You're loud-mouthed, cursing and frying Obake-chan all the time, but I suspect I would probably be a lot like you if… Kourin hadn't passed away. I can't really imagine having four sisters bossing me about: You really did need to become a bandit; otherwise you'd have been quite a sissy. Not that you aren't, of course. You were probably the first to pull me out of my shell; you're not the most tactful of people, but I suppose I understand. You didn't really need to disguise yourself… or am I completely wrong? I learn new things about my fellow seishi everyday… We confided in each other most of the time; when you would meet me in the corridor, pull at my arm to the garden, where we would sit down and chat. I realized you really do have a romantic streak, Tasuki; and even you can be quiet and thoughtful at times. It's just come to me. To you, Tasuki, I hope that you never stop being cheerful as you are now. And to the two of you, trying talking to each other. You never really do that, and I think it might help. Just try.

Mitsukake… I haven't really spoken to you or Chiriko at all. Gomen, I will try to converse with you. The silent one of the group… is it because of Shouka? It's so hard to give up someone whom you cherish, isn't it? I understand you feel as if some of the other seishi have no time for you, busy playing the fool. We're not completely like that. We do have our quiet moments too. That's probably the first step. To you Mitsukake, I wish you peace that Shouka is always nearby, if not in body, than in spirit. Those who are close to us never really do leave us, you know.

And then came Chiriko. You're always so intelligent, and as mature as the rest of us, perhaps even more. Loosen up a little: books aren't everything. There are some things you have to experience, some things you must learn by yourself. But I suppose there is the other end of the scale. Arigato for tutoring me in some literature: I guess I really didn't comprehend the true beauty of the written word. Thank you for showing me a whole new world: undisturbed by the ways of the world, and life. To you Chiriko, I wish you a happy life, one that is fulfilled in every way. 

I'm not sure if you have felt it, but I feel uneasy: as if we will be hit by some trouble soon. I hope that I am wrong… 

To all of you, thank you for making me realize who I really am. I won't turn away from the truth anymore: not because I am unable to, but because I know who I want to be… and I want to be true to all of you.

From Nuriko

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Nuriko smiled: a genuine, peaceful smile. Blowing out the light, he left the letter on the table, and went to bed. But as he finally settled down, a draft entered the room. The letter, light as a feather, was swept down into the nearby fireplace. Soon it was burnt to a crisp, flamed by the fire that reached out and grasped it. All the secrets, all the ideas: gone, in the burning flames, in the swirling smoke. 

And even the writer was soon gone. 

They would never know.

~~~~~~~~~

A/n: This is based on Draconsis' angst fic. It has the same plot, the same idea in fact, but from my idea of Nuriko. He doesn't know that he is going to die, so he is focusing on what he thinks about now. Please R/R, even though I know that there are a lot of these fics on fanfiction.net!


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